How I decided to self -publish my first book and didn’t freak out

Okay, maybe just a little bit. Or a bit more. Oh man, who am I kidding, sure I’m freaking out! The whole process is very stressful and time consuming. It hits you hard especially when you’re working full time, stuck in a job with no perspectives and shitty salary. When you’re struggling with minor (I call it functional nowadays) depression and those ugly thoughts like “what’s the point, I won’t succeed anyway.” And why the hell would I? My whole life I’ve been trying to get better. To become “someone” because being nothing to other people pissed me off too much to let it go. To save myself from the hole. To learn how to smile and appreciate those small things (which btw are surprisingly hard to find). I could go on forever. Yeah, so much for my non bitching attempt to describe what’s going on in my life. Congrats, Asper, you’re becoming a female version of Bojack Horseman, only much younger and hotter!

But back to the topic. Wait, what was I saying? Hm, I suspect there’s something wrong with my mind, it’s very distracted. As you can see! Anyway, yes about the book. Why I decided to follow that path of self-publishing full of fuckedupness and grey hair? It was actually a moment. Call it epiphany. I got sick of agents replying that while they liked my novel it wasn’t for them. Ergo they didn’t have the balls to sell it. Because my book is neither a prince in shiny armor galloping on his stallion to save an innocent, beautiful girl. Nor a hobo shitting hinself in a bus, nor a crazy guy chasing you down the street. It may be the combination of two. I mean that it’s a mixture of ugliness of abuse, addictions and depression with a simple beauty of friendship and love. It’s not an easy go cheesy read. But it’s brave and honest. I’m not sure why the agents didn’t risk to accept it? I’ll find out very soon.. 

I’m trying not to overthink it, but I put my heart, soul and tears to write it and if I fail it’ll hurt. 

On the other hand I have survived so many failures that I should end up fine anyway. Like a cat landing on its 4 feet. Now 3-legged and broken, but still a fighter.

Good thing that I’m a thinking beast and I’m in a state of ccreating. I already have ideas for my next books, hurray! As Todd likes to say “Question mark”.


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